“The dichotomy between what you believe you can do and what you actually are doing can wreak all sorts of havoc on your confidence.”
Having taken this quote completely out of context from RA Dickey’s quasi-autobiography Wherever I Wind Up and knowing that he is a successful professional baseball player, it is more than conceivable to believe that my interpretation of this statement differs greatly from what Dickey had intended (Note: I say ‘quasi’ because recounting your life, whether how self-deprecating you choose to be, is never an exact science. So any words written about yourself, told by yourself, should always be ingested with at least some skepticism. Maybe we can all just agree the definition of “autobiography” should include a disclaimer that anything said in this account is never 100% true and should be looked at objectively… or maybe I should shut the fuck up and get on with it already?). Whether a book is a successful read or a waste of time, I am inclined to explore the text for useful wisdom of any kind. Enter this quote.
Before diving into why this quote means anything to me, I would be remiss if I didn’t harp on the title of this book for a brief, some may say unnecessarily long, moment. I refuse to look into what I am about to say, but I am quite certain this title belongs in the Hall of Fame of Baseball Players who Write Autobiographies. I mean, first off, he is a fucking pitcher, who changed his wind up over the years, so there’s that. I could leave it there, but I won’t. Dickey endured quite the journey to make it to the big leagues, back to the minors, followed by even more minor league stints, to eventually becoming the National League Cy Young award winner in 2012. Not to mention his college career of eating as many innings as any pitcher that I have ever read about. He changed from a power pitcher to a knuckleballer pitching into his early 40s, which after having read this book and feeling that I am now a renowned expert on everything Dickey, is no small feat for any human to overcome and actually pull off. There is much more I could say about his personal hardships, but I do not want to spend all of my time recounting the book, so I will say that Wherever I Wind Up is absolutely the perfect title to describe Dickey’s baseball career. The title screams baseball reference, yet after reading the book, you understand this title has a deeper meaning for the person Dickey is and was. HOF title.
The way this post begins, one can assume that the book was not a rewarding reading experience, but that is not entirely true. I enjoyed learning about Robert Allen Dickey, especially because I finished the book prior to his one and only season with the Atlanta Braves. I was able to root for the man and not just the number. However, I don’t think an honest review would include 10 stars, or 9, or even 8. Maybe 7, but that is a baseball fan’s 7. There were moments that I was fully engaged. I was upset at his misfortunes and some life choices, yet elated at his successes, but it became somewhat repetitive and sometimes felt contrived to the extent that RA was trying to convince the reader that he was the type of person that RA wanted us to believe that he is. I guess that could come off as mean, but this just goes back to my request for a disclaimer with any autobiography written. I mean, what the hell would I, or could I say in my autobiography? Mostly nothing, probably. It would be quite the three pages of content. Just have to come up with a catchy title.
Anyway, the quote at the top of the post WAS meaningful to me and I felt could be applicable to any reader’s life. The quote was a welcomed analysis of Dickey’s own situation that seemed partially philosophical (new band name, called it) to the extent that he provides a picture of anyone’s misguided thoughts about who they are and what they can or have accomplished in their own lives. From my perspective, I have this vision of who I am and what I could accomplish “if I just had the time, resources, etc.” but am often left falling short of my expectations for myself. As Dickey notes, this has an impact on internal confidence. Everyone has lofty expectations for who they want to be or how they want to be perceived by others. One of the most difficult things to do for anyone in this life is to look internally and be honest with themselves. I feel that I do a decent job at this, as Dickey does, but you really never love or appreciate the honest answer(s) that you find.
Confidence constantly fluctuates for me. I like to think this a similarity that I share with others, but not for their sake. You don’t receive the nickname of “Awkward” attached to your forename for the duration of your freshman year of college (and beyond) for being the most outwardly confident individual on campus. I am generally satisfied with myself, but when I read that quote from Dickey, it felt like a diagnosis of a sort of sickness that exists inside of me. I believe self-worth is tied directly to the meaning that an individual assigns to his or her accomplishments. There are many different definitions of ‘success,’ but the desire to be loved for those successes seems to outweigh the hard work and thoughtfulness needed to achieve. You can think you are a certain type of person and can usually convince others of the person you want them to think you are, but alone with that internal mirror, you are left only with that undeniably truthful reflection, that is, if you allow yourself to see the truth.
This post got deep….and quick. I think Dickey was talking about the preparation needed to become a successful pitcher, but as I noted earlier, this quote reached further than his “simple” position. Aligning who you want to be and what you actually are is a type of nirvana that I hope is achievable. A particular level of integrity is required to be able to not just use words to mask your honest self, but to accomplish the goals you set for yourself. This is the first step towards confidence and what I believe to be the definition of success.